saving myself
At this very moment, I am twenty-two years old
Yet often with my parents, I am told,
“Age is just a number, you will always be my little girl”
And here I thought I’m an adult and ready to face the world.
So why is it with others, it’s a different story and there’s so much worry
With invitations coming in, people start asking me when I will marry
In all seriousness or in jest, friends say “I can’t wait to meet your other half!”
Taken aback so for now, all I will offer is a shrug with a laugh
Cos I can’t answer for sure if I’m really ready for it
I need to think harder with much more depth, this I will admit
It could be next year, ten years later or even never
So how about you just keep me in your prayer?
But half of my deen is on the line, so today I will give it some thought
Yes, the question I often get asked a lot
“How do you find someone if you don’t intend to date?”
I don’t know, maybe he will appear with a sign that says “Hey, I’m your soulmate!”
Not everyone will understand this decision I am making
Some really don’t, some choose not to, some think it’s time that I am wasting
Some refuse to embark on it cos they know it’s gonna be tough
Some laugh at me as I struggle to stay on this chosen path
Some tell me a trial and error is necessary to determine the best man
Some think I will be a victim to my desires in the end
It’s all right, I’m cool with it cos I know it’s a path worth taking
I’m not here to prove a point, I just want His blessing
Cos I shudder at the thought where people go “Who’s that?”
And have my name associated with a random lad
Oh, that girl.. “Yeah the one who used to be with so and so”
No I don’t ever want to be that name linked to you everywhere I go
Cos deep down, I don’t know if we will be together tomorrow
And years down the road, I don’t want my future husband to be in sorrow
Always haunted by a familiar name linked to his wife thus
I’m saying No to you cos I don’t want to taint my past
Often people ask me what is it that I am searching for
I can name a hundred and one traits and even more
I can keep planning all night long and continue listing
But ultimately I know it all boils down to just one thing,
That is, at the end of the day, the best of all planners is still Him
InsyaAllah, He will grant me the light when my eyes become dim
I will accept His plans with an open heart and not deny my Lord
Cos, it is Him who created me and He knows what I do not
And when I finally meet him, it might be kind of awkward
I might not even know he’s THE ONE at first glance or the second or the third
Cos he’s always lowering his gaze, haya in everything he does
Always with a third person around, he says that’s a must
But I am sure Allah will eventually give me a sign
To let me know that he’s meant to be mine
Istikharah after Istikharah, InsyaAllah a decision will be reached
One, with guidance and conviction, not one that deserves the ditch
He listens to my past attentively but not from a pedestal
He does not judge, his words of advice are not curt but lyrical
He secretly wished that he was there much earlier
To hold my hand and save me from this dunya way sooner
But from now on, he promises to guide me to the One and Only
Always reminding me that my intentions and amal should be for Him, solely
He recounts stories about Rasulullah and companions oh so naturally
He brings me closer to my beloved Creator slowly but surely
There will never come a day where he claims I’m more beautiful with my eyebrows tweezed
Cos he’s protecting his zaujah from engaging in what makes the Lord displeased
And sometimes when I whip up dishes that’s nowhere near perfect
He still eats them albeit slowly but with his smile still intact
And on those days that I can’t perform my prayers
He urges me to lie on his lap as he opens the Qur’an and recites the verses
Even when he’s exhausted after work at the end of the day
He still helps out with the chores even when I say “No, it’s okay”
My short temper is countered by words of wisdom
He reminds me that we are mere travelers in His Kingdom
He wakes me up for Fajr and encourages me to do the sunnah
He aspires to be a good father, like how Rasulullah is with Fatimah
The head of the family, he works hard and makes a good provider
He’s tactful when giving reminders, he walks the talk like a true leader
He sees himself never above anyone, always reminding himself first before others
He’s full of faith and knowledge but he remains modest
He looks at me knowing full well I’m no Jennifer Aniston
But still he’s grateful, not secretly desiring someone that can make heads turn
He won’t view me as an accessory that he merely wants to parade
And even when I get on his nerves, he won’t start to berate
He makes me laugh even on days I break down and cry
Have trust in Allah he says, make that a part of you not just a mere try
He knows I’m far from perfect and I constantly need his guidance
Together, with my hand in his, we will overcome all obstacles thanks to his patience
Searching for one’s other half is not as easy as searching for a mere brand
The secret lies with the One who already has my past, present and future planned
So I shall not get too carried away setting the bar up way too high
Cos high expectations beget disappointment and I might unknowingly greet him with a sigh
I should realize that like me, he will also have his moments and his flaws
I will learn to look past his imperfections as long as he’s a regular at the mosque
He is human, he is not perfect and he also comes with a past
I might not be his first but I sure hope I am his last
Dear brother, if one day you decide to take my hand, do it right, do it the Halal way
Cos this union needs His blessings and His help in every step of the way
Dates can wait, after you get past the wali and the akad nikah is over
Only then will looking at my eyes and saying “I love you” matter
With the lafaz, you are now my imam, in every aspect of my life
I sincerely hope that I do you justice and make a good wife
We will slowly but surely become each other’s voice of reason
I am relying on you from here on cos you are now officially my lifelong companion
So this is why I’ve made the difficult decision to stay away
Cos I want to be worthy for someone who is here to stay
I want to be able to say that “Hey, I saved myself for you!”
And how pleasing to the ears to receive a “Me too!”
I am not searching for Muhammad cos I am nowhere as perfect as Khadijah
A good Muslim will do, but let me first strive to be a good Muslimah
Wherever you are, I hope you are busy with the deen and helping the Ummah
And when you finally meet me, know that I need your guidance to bring me to Jannah.
Nur Ashikin Kamaruddin
12 Jan 2012
**Disclaimer: poem is directed to no one in particular so chill ok friends haha. Just a reply to the repeated questions that I’m sure most sisters my age have to deal with :)
source: http://www.facebook.com/notes/nur-ashikin/saving-myself/10150523249759028
